I am a little freaked out about work tomorrow. There isn't really any reason I need to be, but I still am. I feel like something bad is coming for me there.
I have absolutely loathed myself this week because of all of the work stress. The only thing that has helped me has been daily classes that I have been doing. Sadly, tomorrow is my last class. I am hoping that I will even get to do it. I had to cancel today's class thanks to the wonderful IUD.
I'm not really having my nightly anxiety. I'm tired and feel crappy, but I'm not particularly sleepy. I've had my ambien and some NyQuil so I should fall asleep sometime soon.
As usual, my thoughts have drifted back to pregnancy.
I kind of wonder how long it will take or if I will get pregnant I worry about it. At the same time, I like the plan of leaving it all to fate. I may not actually believe in God but I do believe in "meant to be." Sometimes it's nice to have some decisions taken out of my hands. That said, I'm fairly certain that I am going to be a neurotic mess the whole waiting period.
I really really wish that I could talk to my parents and family about all of this. It makes me sad that any time I tell them something they just attack me. The last thing that I want to do is share news that I am excited about with them and then have them attack me and make me feel shamed for my excitement and enthusiasm. They did it to me with dating, and I know that it is a big part of the reason that I continue to hold back in my relationship now. I always get scared that if I am happy or excited, someone I trust will make fun of me or shame me. With my family, I am finding that it is safest to only communicate in neutral to unhappy ranges.
I am terrified that this will happen to me when I get pregnant, making me regret it and influencing my ability to love my baby. I need to be able to love my baby with out fear of recrimination.
I'm getting sleepy and sloppy so I'm off to bed now.
I'm not really having my nightly anxiety. I'm tired and feel crappy, but I'm not particularly sleepy. I've had my ambien and some NyQuil so I should fall asleep sometime soon.
As usual, my thoughts have drifted back to pregnancy.
I kind of wonder how long it will take or if I will get pregnant I worry about it. At the same time, I like the plan of leaving it all to fate. I may not actually believe in God but I do believe in "meant to be." Sometimes it's nice to have some decisions taken out of my hands. That said, I'm fairly certain that I am going to be a neurotic mess the whole waiting period.
I really really wish that I could talk to my parents and family about all of this. It makes me sad that any time I tell them something they just attack me. The last thing that I want to do is share news that I am excited about with them and then have them attack me and make me feel shamed for my excitement and enthusiasm. They did it to me with dating, and I know that it is a big part of the reason that I continue to hold back in my relationship now. I always get scared that if I am happy or excited, someone I trust will make fun of me or shame me. With my family, I am finding that it is safest to only communicate in neutral to unhappy ranges.
I am terrified that this will happen to me when I get pregnant, making me regret it and influencing my ability to love my baby. I need to be able to love my baby with out fear of recrimination.
I'm getting sleepy and sloppy so I'm off to bed now.
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Future Baby and I love to hear what you say! Sometimes, your comments get us through the frustrating and trying and scary times. Thank you so much <3