In which I worry instead of sleeping

I am a little freaked out about work tomorrow. There isn't really any reason I need to be, but I still am. I feel like something bad is coming for me there.

I have absolutely loathed myself this week because of all of the work stress. The only thing that has helped me has been daily classes that I have been doing. Sadly, tomorrow is my last class. I am hoping that I will even get to do it. I had to cancel today's class thanks to the wonderful IUD.

I'm not really having my nightly anxiety. I'm tired and feel crappy, but I'm not particularly sleepy. I've had my ambien and some NyQuil so I should fall asleep sometime soon.
As usual, my thoughts have drifted back to pregnancy.
I kind of wonder how long it will take or if I will get pregnant  I worry about it. At the same time, I like the plan of leaving it all to fate. I may not actually believe in God but I do believe in "meant to be." Sometimes it's nice to have some decisions taken out of my hands. That said, I'm fairly certain that I am going to be a neurotic mess the whole waiting period.
I really really wish that I could talk to my parents and family about all of this. It makes me sad that any time I tell them something they just attack me. The last thing that I want to do is share news that I am excited about with them and then have them attack me and make me feel shamed for my excitement and enthusiasm. They did it to me with dating, and I know that it is a big part of the reason that I continue to hold back in my relationship now. I always get scared that if I am happy or excited, someone I trust will make fun of me or shame me. With my family, I am finding that it is safest to only communicate in neutral to unhappy ranges.
I am terrified that this will happen to me when I get pregnant, making me regret it and influencing my ability to love my baby. I need to be able to love my baby with out fear of recrimination.

I'm getting sleepy and sloppy so I'm off to bed now.

In which I drive myself to the Dr, but forget to bring home taco bell

UGGG! I woke up this morning with a UTI. yay. I held i, ignored the terrible uncomfortableness of it all and sped to the open urgent care office. My favorite part of the visit was when the doctor (a 65 year old man) asked me why I thought I got the infection. After hesitating for a moment, I told him that I tend to get them when I am really stressed and that I had been very stressed lately. (Yeah, I wasn't going to tell them the real reason I got it, if you know what I mean. It was just too awkward).
Now that I've had the numbing pills of happiness, I can think about other things. I can't wait until I get this IUD out! I am hoping that it stops the constant pain that I have had for the last year in my lilly. That would be so wonderful!
The hubs has been sick all weekend, so all he's done is play video games and moan. He did a little worried this morning. I think this was the first time that he has ever seen me when a UTI comes on. Apparently the crying, jerky movements, and moaning freaked him out a little bit. Not enough to pull him away from his sick bed to drive me to the DR, but a little bit. At least he called me when I was at the dr to ask how I was feeling and to remind me to bring home taco bell. Sadly, I forgot the taco bell on my way home. 

In which I shoot stars out of my eyes

This baby fever thing I have is insane! I seem to be completely obsessed with pregnant women. I notice them everywhere I go. If I find one, I just can't stop staring. It's got to be freaking people out!

Visible Baby Fever

I'm not exposed to children often, but when I see the tiny ones, I can't stop staring at them either.

Plus, to make things worse, I will be sitting on the couch, trying to relax, and BAM! I'm thinking about being pregnant. It's bad!

In which my work decides to ignore their own manual

Last year, after not getting the raise that I had been promised, my supervisor told me about our continuing education program. She knew that I had talked about getting my MBA, and suggested that I pursue it. She told me that as long as the program could be related to the business, my company would pay for it.
Before my classes started, I once again checked with her to see if there was any paperwork or anything that I needed to do. She said no, I simply had to turn in my grades and my tuition bill at the end of the semester. I went on my silly, naive way and took my classes.
I got As in my classes, yay, and gave the bill and grades to my sup. She then gave them to the HR/CFO at our company. (Yes, they are the same person. I think that there should be a law against that somewhere) Three weeks go by, and I don't see a check.
Around this time, my grandfather died. I turned in my time off request fir the memorial service, and my supervisor approved it for bereavement leave. When I returned, I had an email from HR requesting an obituary or some kind of proof that my grandfather had died, when the service was, and that I actually went there.
Well, my family doesn't do obits. In fact, my grandfather died in Oregon and was then cremated. We had a private memorial service with just family. Had I known about this requirement, I would have taken a picture with his ashes or something, but I didn't. This request began three weeks of my company attempting to deny my leave pay. I got it in the end, but I had to provide the following:

• A letter from the crematorium with my grandfather's name and date of service
• A letter from my father proving my relationship to my grandfather and stating that I showed up at the service
• The city and state where my grandfather lived when he died

Not invasive at all right?? Ugg

So, back to the tuition deal. The day I found out that my leave had officially been approved, my supervisor told me that they would not be covering any of last semester's tuition. And, that they would pick and choose what classes they may pay for in the future. As I'm sure you can imagine, I was pissed. I was told to send a copy of my class schedule for my entire program to the HR/CFO and to schedule a meeting with her. Of course, she was "too busy" to meet with me for over a week.
We finally met today. First, she told me that she didn't have an MBA, she didn't even have a bachelors (big surprise from the world's worst HR person ever). She then let me know that they have paid for two MBAs in the company, but they were for "key players" in the company, and that I wasn't one of them. Though apparently one of the sales guys is. After that, she proceeded to tell me about the classes that they actually have paid for, including one girl who is completing her nursing degree (it seems that nursing will benefit the company, but my MBA wouldn't). Finally, she got to the list of classes she would be willing to pay for in my program. There were 4 out of ~20 classes that I have to take. It seems that the operations classes would "help in my current position" but that nothing else would.
The kicker is, that if she pays for the whopping 4 classes, I am supposed to sign an agreement to work for the company for 24 months after my reimbursement or I would have to pay all of the money back. Yup, they want to pay for 4 classes in my MBA and then expect me to use the degree and keep working for them for two years after I complete it. (not to mention that the employee manual they like to quote so much states a 12 month, not 24 month requirement)
I've weighed the amount that they would contribute against having to continue working there even after I will be far more marketable and I have decided that it isn't worth it. In fact, after the way that they have treated me, I'd be happy to leave the job yesterday. More than happy.

In which I am once again not sleeping

Reason for not sleeping:

Worry about money, work, school, not sleeping

Other things constantly on my mind:

Baby

On 01/12/13, My hubby held up to his end of the baby discussion and finally told me how he feels about having a baby. Discussing this topic has been and continues to be an incredibly hard. Since I like to acoid situations that make me feel vulnerable (unless I have a glass of wine and then tell everyone my secrets), and this subject makes me feel very vulnerable, it continues to be rough going. There's a whole lot of back story on why I find it hard to talk about it, but I'm sure I'll blather about it some other time.

During our discussion, he admitted that he would like to have a kid (or two). This is a huge change for both of us as we used to believe that we would never ever have children. Then I hit 31. Need I say more?
But he doesn't feel that he is ready for it, citing his selfishness and desire to have a better position at work before it happens.
My "plan" centers around 02/15/13. That is the day that I am getting my IUD out. I'm equal parts elated and terrified. After that, I just don't want to use protection and see what happens. I don't want to wait, I'm too scared to try to plan the perfect time and then find out that I waited too long. I feel that if fate decides, then everything will work out as it should. This calms me down, especially since I will be working on my MBA for roughly the next 18 months.
The whole concept and process just seems so overwhelming. I don't feel like I can talk to my family, I know that they are not going to support the idea of me having kids, or at least right now. At best the would judge me for this decision, and worst they would berate me and tell me how stupid it is to do when it's not everyone else's idea of the perfect time for me to actually have a kid. It makes me sad. So I want to be able to talk to my husband about it, but he's in what I am assuming is the "I'm freaked out so I'm going to play a lot of video games" mode right now.
Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep since it's 1am and I need to be up at 6.
Wish me luck!